It was a Steven King script, directed by Alfred Hitchcock, produced by Tarrantino and starring Richie Mo’unga as the anti-hero and Elton Jantjies as the villain as the Bulls were massacred at Loftus on Friday and the Lions almost ended up butchering things at Ellis on Saturday. Here’s how things went down in Week 13 of Super Rugby.
Watching the Lions play a game of rugby is like watching a horror movie. You spend half the time peeking through the gaps between your fingers as you’re too scared to keep watching. The rest of the time you try and act cool (with a nervous grimace on your face) whilst actually wondering why you opted for the white Jockey briefs. The Lions from a few seasons ago was that sweet cinema Nouveau low cost film which everyone wanted to see get awards but the current crop of Lions has more butchering and heartache in them than a Quentin Tarantino blockbuster – at this stage we are just unsure whether Elton Jantjies is cast as the villain or the hero.
NAKED AND AFRAID
The Bulls wanted their fans to fill the stadium in a sea of blue but instead left Loftus feeling blue and bruised after picking up a beating at the hands of the ruthless Crusaders. The Stormers management will do well to send the Mavericks (because the other company can’t supply the tease without the sleaze – or so I hear) ladies to the airport to welcome the Crusaders to Cape Town with coupon specials for the week (half price on booze and lap dances). The hotel they stay at also needs to attach the names of clubs and pubs in the area to the daily weather update slid under the hotel room doors – the Stormers will need every bit of help they can get!
CHIEFS, INDIANS, COWBOYS AND CROOKS
The Sharks didn’t miss many tackles on their tour of Australasia but unfortunately they missed a crucial one against the Chiefs this past weekend. Having just conceded a try the Sharks had a dozen minutes left to hang onto a one-point lead but couldn’t even stay ahead for one more minute as there was a tackle bust and long distance breakout straight from the kickoff – a dagger to the heart of all Sharks fans.
For the umpteenth time this season the Hurricanes pulled off their rope-a-dope in Auckland as the Blues kept knocking and knocking but it was the Canes who blew the house down every time they got a sniff of a chance.
The Sunwolves were the one team able to stop the Brumbies maul from getting over the line but unfortunately they couldn’t contain the likes of the Spikey one, Henry Speight, and sadly failed to even get on the scoreboard themselves.
In Dunedin the Jaguares left themselves a touch too much to do and couldn’t quite pull off the late comeback to get the win. They have however shown that they are rightly considered strong runners for the South African Conference (even if their feisty tempers often threaten to derail them).
The Lions seemed unable to transition from their touch-rugby warm up game to the real deal against the Waratahs. The first half was a breathless three tries a piece affair. It remains scary to think that Jantjies as 2nd choice Springbok pivot can’t show better judgement when deciding when and from where to attack. The home side also needs to realise that this is not a game of chuck-around with the neighbours where you can run home to rather start up the PlayStation as soon as you lose the ball – unfortunately Super Rugby requires you to roll up your sleeves and do some defending at times!
Duane Vermeulen left 20,000 Bulls supporters wasting their time and their R20’s on watching the men in blue get humiliated on their own stomping ground. Things got real ugly, real quick for the hosts – with five steals it has to be said that Duane was one of the few Bulls who gave his all for the full 80 minutes.
There was a Highlander who literally executed a round the back chicken wing off load – WHILST LYING ON THE GROUND! I would also like to give a shoutout to one of the fatties;Billy Meakes and Reece Hodge combined to cut open the Reds defence from halfway before the recycled ball found loosehead prop Fualkner charging down the left tramline to get over in the corner.
But my moment of the round goes to Richie Mo’umga and his role in one of Sevu Reece’s five pointers. Mo’unga doubled up on cross kicks within the same passage of play. His second pin-point effort found the right winger who securely gathered and score – talk about having the ball on a string.
Your resident Couch Critic
Who is Couch Critic?
Hein Diemont is the resident “Couch Critic” in the Goodforthegame Forum and he shares his weekly Super Rugby and Sports Betting Blog the “Post Match Scuffle” or “PMS” with us.
In his blog Couch Critic channels his usual weekend swearing, ranting, cheering, whinging and bickering to the written word. Brutally honest opinions of how the Super Rugby action went down from his perspective – no punches pulled, it’s PMS time…
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